Saturday, 29 September 2007

to neverland and beyond

i dunno about you but i was never taken to disneyland when i was young. i had to wait until i was in my 20s to go to eurodisney.

and i tell you what, they had nothing as good as this ride there

imagine, michael jackson fighting aliens with the power to turn them into his dancers !!! it's really good, directed by francis ford copollo, produced by george lucas and co-staring anjelica huston. it blows pirates of the caribbean out of the water

Thursday, 20 September 2007

how good would it be...

if we all travelled around like this. imagine

Friday, 13 July 2007

gordon brown

has a really good voice

Thursday, 12 July 2007

coz i'm so so so so so so bored

enough already

how many shows do we have to go to and listen to americans go on and on and on and on and on about bush

who gives a shit?

do you think that anyone in the audience DOESN'T share your view? and the one person that doesn't is even listening?

recent offenders have been: patti smith (numero uno), devo, tori amos, joan as policewoman, fishcerspooner, sonic youth ...the list goes on. baically, if they come from america, they'll go on and on about it

thank god for vincent gallo

Saturday, 16 June 2007

fuckin hottest thing on earth

so fuckin good

show me someone better that has fronted a band EVER and i will eat your poo

totally top 05

and they are in no particular order:

kate bush
debbie harry
joanna newsom
nina simone

Friday, 15 June 2007

absolutely fucked

what the fuck do sinks with two taps exist for ?

who can use them ? how, and why ??

it's either freezing cold, or boiling hot. actually, i lie, there is a split second window you can use the hot tap before it cooks the skin off your hands, then you have to go to the cold, which you will pretty much just end up washing your hands under. and i always find hands washed in cold water are harder to dry. like cold water sticks to them more.

and before you say it, as IF i am going to fill the sink and wash my hands that way. maybe if it was in my own house, but then again i would NEVER live in a house with them. actually i lie again, i have. but i moved out

just get a mixer tap morons

Friday, 8 June 2007

gay as you wanna be

there is no denying that the wizard of oz is the best film ever made, just look to shining beacons like

john waters
gus vant sant
and of course david lynch

for confirmation of this title

and with this shot as one of your screen tests, as if you weren't the right choice

Friday, 1 June 2007

so foul but so good


and ond of these

= heaven

for some reason on my ride into work this morning my mouth was watering, thinking of a bakery meat pie (similar to those served at dinkum's in the block arcade in melbourne. top pies served by some beaut sheilas. and to think it was under threat of closure, by wanker yuppies scoffing their crap dry sushi rolls and diet cokes. hideous) covered in tomato sauce and washed down with an ice cold strawberry big m.

that filthy sweet pink dairy disaster is the perfect foil to the crap meat in an overcooked pastry shell with tangy ketchup running down your hand. i'll take that any day over a pizza nut, a pizza nut, mcrancid, mcrancid, kentucky bleached chicken or a pizza nut

really good. and all the better if you have an apple cake or monkey face on hand afterwards

the last time i had this was last october with poggio in blairgowrie on the way to his birthday party. it was my first meal since arriving in melbourne and it couldn't have been better. we were even served by rose porteous's lost cousin, what a genius. the party was also the best party of last year, except my £100 cardigan was destroyed by a whole bottle of red wine. man

and i'll leave you with this inspired advertising:

Friday, 18 May 2007

celeb. the verdict

fuck i hate the word celeb, it sounds rancid. pretty much as foul as the people it is used to sum up now, like the most dull waste of fame and space on this earth, mischa barton. boring as shit. vanish somewhere and get a real job

as an antidote, her is a real celebirity looking awesome

don't be dull

why use drab pastels and earth tones when you can have fluorescents ?

use it in your fashion, home decoration, artwork, car details and accessories

but in moderation of course

and as if this wasn't the most desirable thing to have at school

what a ledg !

carlos d from interpol. now with added greyhound (second best dog in the world)

not only is he the only person whose haircut i have copied, but in his latest venture as a film and televisoin composer, he has revealed that his favourite composers are : Henryk Gorecki, Arvo Pärt, and Dmitri Shostakovich

oh my god. mine too

also carlos, i had a moustache first, but it was only for 3 days in switzerland

more genius seen here:

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

...and while we aknowledge the underrated


hello ?


why would you listen to bonnie prince billy, cat power (now especially), bjork's last album (god), that guy from pavement or the pixies when you can have kim wilde ?

the greatest character ever created for television

audrey horne. sherilyn fenn's finest hour.

now that you are old, it isn't two moon junction, it's not actually that great or even sexy, especially now that it's not handed around school on a worn out tape someones older brother recorded when it was on late and rated AO. that show where she was in rehab was ok, but could anyone watch it more than once? unfortunately now she has been reduced to the zedest of the zedest zed grade fodder. there have been a few stand out cameos, her picking her brains out after the car crash in wild at heart was amazing, and as curley's wife in of mice and men, made the whole tedious thing worthwhile actually. her other starring role, boxing helena, flopped just to the bad side of bad, god that film could have been incredible if it was thought out a bit more and julian sands wasn't in it. damn him ruining otherwise reasonable films, it was obvious dario argento had lost steam and THEN he hired him. god

anyway back to twin peaks and some reasons for the title she has just earned

01 she can tongue tie a cherry
02 she has the best lines
03 also the best costumes
04 oh and the best voice
05 her character is consistently good through out the whole series unlike any of the others, notable awards to cooper of course,maddy, mrs palmer, norma, catherine and pete but even they had their slip ups
06 similarly to a trait my friend chi admires in people, she was a person
"with power who'll abuse their privileges without guilt"
07 she had the best shoes
08 she went undercover in a brothel
09 she was incredibly compassionate
10 she was very smart
11 she had the best hair
12 she has a great mole beside her eyebrow
13 that scene was great where she puts a pencil into the side of a polystyrene cup
14 she spies on her father
15 she knew almost as much as the cops did, finding out herself
16 she looked so hot in that cat mask hiding from her father in one eyed jacks
17 she danced in the RR diner
18 she had cooper round her little finger
19 she changed her sensible shoes for heels at school. amazing
20 the way she looked when she smoked

what a fine actress. shame not many people have seen that in her. but apparently she is directing now

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

hey listen up ...

diamanda fuckin rocks. but don't tell her she is rock, or gothic or doomy. you FUCKIN IDIOTS !

last nights performance at the barbican was better than any new music this year

Monday, 7 May 2007

the most terrifying moments of my life ... in film

recently after a huge twin peaks renaissance (now all available on dvd, finally thank god) i was reminded of the most terrifying character the cinema has ever dreamed up. bob.
when twin peaks was first aired in australia i would stay up late watching it with mum, she would go to bed half way through leaving me all alone at the end of the house to watch some of the most cruel and horrific television ever made. and i loved every minute of it. i think the only thing that allowed me to sleep afterwards was the singapore girl appearing in the ads at the end of each episode. i think it was around the era when she was travelling around london in a black cab.
twin peaks started my life long david lynch obsession. above anyone he is probably my all time hero of the arts, even above bjork. but more of that in another blog.

so, back to bob and his hideous image. one so cruel and out of any human control and so subtly used as a true vision of terror. even this weekend i hated to look in the mirror, in fear that i would see bob's face looking back. bob got me thinking about some other monsters that have given me the heebee geebees in the past, so in no particular order here are five of them

01 the wheelers from return to oz

even mum was shit scared when she took my brother and i to see return to oz. she thought it was the worst, most horrific thing she had ever seen. i think it was all in the wheelers laugh, i remember their wheels rolling and horrific cackles coming from groups of them. and their arms were so long. yuck

02 jaws 3

unfortunately i saw it on vid, and missed the amazing 3D cinema experience. do you think it will ever be re-released? i would sit on the couch with my eyes covered asking my bros to tell me when the coast was clear (ha) and the action was out of the water. he always lied. from then on every time i was in our pool i wasconvinced a james bond style trap door would open and jaws would be let into our pool. crazy. i bet it looks terrible now

03 freddy in the water bed from nightmare on elm street 4 i think

when this was on tv, we turned it around and watched it on the balcony of our house in sleeping bags. it made it like 10 times more horrific. wow what a series of films. i have never ever sat or slept on a water bed, and probably now never will

04 the skeksis from the dark crystal

hideous. evil. this film is full of so much beauty that the evil feels 100 times worse than it probably is. the skeksis wore really great robes, and had good cutlery too. it's hard to imagine one of them alive, so the terror, probably for me, comes in what they must feel like. HIDEOUS. and the way they crumble when they die

05 mad max

possibly the most bleak real vision of the near future. lots of things didn't help with this one. i was far too young the first time i saw it, and also was familiar with lots of the places it was filmed. there is not a glimmer of hope anywhere in this film, truly harrowing. a absolute brilliant vision. all of the mad max films are great even when it gets all return-of-the-jedi-tina-turner-saxaphoney (possibly the best film tie in song ever). this poster is amazing too, it makes it look more like that unreal stallone film cobra than what it actually is

few moments in cinema now can conjure this true terror i felt with the above films when i first saw them. i am not sure if i have been desensitised or if they are just crap now. each time a new horror appears i hope for that feeling of the original hills have eyes, even the last scene of blair witch ...and especially another bob.

come on scare me !

an example of drugs doing good things

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

more bad looks

aliens ? WTF ? everyone is obsessed with the idea that there is life out there and that one day we may have a war with them. but god help us when stoners get a hold on such icons.

just look at that they have done !

my friend bek is right in summing up the worst possible image in the world is not just only an alien (and i mean aliens in the communion kind of way, not E.T. who totally transcends the genre) but an alien smoking a joint. this picture takes this further with the worst possible facial piercing, an eyebrow ring.
i suppose in the same way that tom hanks and meg ryan working in romantic comedies together, saves other films from being tainted with their foulness or hideous romantic comedy-ness, combining all these 3 images in one poster saves others from the same treatment.

other things stoners have ruined:
cakes, yoda (i suppose he is an alien anyway), good bleach and good clothes (together making tie-dye), the yellow smiley face and their existence creating that 'an so i got high' song ! UGH

all that aside, i really like this cake if someone wants to make it for me:

Wednesday, 11 April 2007


we are now in the lead up to the music event of 2007 and the first little snatch of it is anything but what it should be

earth intruders, the first song to appear from bjork's new album volta is so boring. bad beats and bad lyrics. if this is bjork's return to the dance floor, i am not sure who will be filling it. i wonder where she has been dancing? the song 'in the musicals' from selmasongs (the soundtrack to dancer in the dark) was a much more interesting dance song, and possibly the last good song that hinted at dance bjork has created, apart from maybe triumph of a heart, which was good, but not a triumph

the song lacks any of the urgency it should have regarding it's content, and it is expressed in such a trite manner. gone is all the subtlety of yesteryear and we are given a slap in the senses with american influence overload, right down to her pronunciation of shooter

who would trade matmos for timberland? that's like swapping your Y3 trainers for some timberland boat shoes. bring back drew and mc and zeena, pioneers of the trade, for which you once wore the crown, bjork

fingers crossed this is just a hiccup in what could be amazing. or that the whole album is available as a soft pink truth remix

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

the worst look in the world

without doubt the most foul era of this world's existence aesthetic wise, would be the middle ages. it is them who we have to thank for the hideous medieval revival in the 70s and crushed velvet.
laceup tops, hideous bent jewellery, cheap magical stones and crystals, wispy long hair and hand bags held together with ribbons.

don't get me wrong, one person has pulled it off. stevie nicks. what a genius. she can pull a wizard sleeve off and a silk scarf as she weaves a trail of magic where ever she goes. no one else can. and rightly so, she can have her antique furniture and tiffany lamps flown around the world with her, just to make her that bit more comfortable, as it is only going to make her performance for us even better

the dark ages did however bring about fine weaponry. who can go past a mace or a bommy knocker? torture chambers and moats are other things that we could use more of today. but fuck the clothes, they are seriously ugly, and look even worse today

Thursday, 15 March 2007


new posts coming, working on a few

i really like tropicana tropical juice, much better than the tesco brand filth. yuck

Thursday, 8 March 2007

to the slut who stole my bike

i have the worst opinion i have ever had of anything in the world of you

rot in hell you low life scum and i hope no one turns up to your next party, and someone wipes shit all over your face instead

and that you never hear any music again, apart from joss stone

meanwhile i am listening to: the new blonde redhead and fortuntely it makes me realise that there is only one cunt on this planet and that is you filthy fucking shit slut bike napper

Wednesday, 28 February 2007

all hail the mighty dario argento

apart from david lynch and john waters, dario argento may be the only film director whose films i can guarantee i will love. even robert altman made several unwatchable films, woody allen is starting to make films cinemas won't pick up, and wes craven even made some shit with meryl streep

i was reminded of this the other night as i curled up on the couch with a bowl of potato and leek soup (that i has just whipped up in the le creuset, it was great, the recipe is only an ask away) and watched profondo rosso as i filled in time before a pub quiz

although his masterpieces may be profondo rosso and susperia, everything is worth a look. who could resist trauma? a killer on the loose seeking revenge for her baby being decapitated by a falling chandelier AS she gave birth to it. genius. phenomena sees jennifer connely hunting a killer with a fly AND a chimp as her sidekicks, complete with an amazing cabin murder in the swiss alps to open the film. and the rat killing machine operated by deranged midgets in phantom of the opera

no one, but no one, has ever captured a better death scene, well slaughter, than argento. surely an axe to the head is enough to kill someone? but why not take it further by smashing them through a few windows, then hanging them from an electric chord, THEN pushing them through a three story window?

the acting may be at some times dire, the stories more often than not as predictable than an episode of murder she wrote, and unfortunately are only widely available in horrifically dubbed english versions. but all this does not distract from the world class gore and intricately crafted tales of terror.

short of INLAND EMPIRE, this years most anticipated film for me is la terza madre (the mother of tears). the final chaptyer in dario's mother's trilogy (started with susperia and inferno) sees the world's most powerful witches converge on rome to pay homage to a series of suicides that have recently taken place. AND it stars asia argento. guaranteed to the incredible, 2 argentos, horror, witches, gore and rome, what more can we ask for? a UK cinema release. here's hoping. please please please

back to the pub quiz that i mentioned earlier. it was shit, and we came third. the rosemary branch is a great pub, but their quizes not so. SO, if you were looking for something to do on a tuesday, now you know not to go to the rosemary branch, why not join me for an argento film and bowl of soup. next week i will have inferno after it is FINALLY re-released

music to accompany this: of course it has to be anything by goblin for an argento soundtrack, all of it amazing, better than the morricone stuff (for dario that is)

Thursday, 22 February 2007

get some dress sense you gimps

you've got enough money.

heard of costume national?

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

Monday, 19 February 2007

loving the career suicide britney

you look like jt leroy you filthy scag

Sunday, 18 February 2007

sharon stone, you fucking genius

there are so few things more alluring and exotic than sharon stone. sequoia and the avignon fragrances by commes des garcon and soft pink truth remixes of bjork songs are some of the very few things.

basic instinct 2 is a true masterclass of everything she is good at. the film is drenched in genius, right down to the amazing script with lines from sharon's paralised passenger like "i can't move" to which sharon anwers, "you dont need to, you're in a car"

admittedly if sharon isn't in a thriller, she is shit beyond belief, but if there was going to be someone on this earth that made me kill several people and wind up in a mental institution, purely for kicks, i would want her to be the person that put me there

hopefully soon basic instinct 2 will be reassessed for the genius that it is. it has the best car crash in cinema history (and that is just the opening), an ice pick, a lighter in the shape of big ben and another in the shape of the gherkin, and a nude fight in a spa

so sharon, keep up the good work, as you did in berlin last week with your crazy 'racsim'. we are already queuing for the next installment. Keep looking good (you make demi moore look like kathy bates, such great work) and dressing like you killed most of what you are wearing and just draped it over your shoulder

music for today: rosanna by toto

another truly underused film starlet. thanks again for the best rom-com in the 80s, or whatever they became in that golden era of cinema

Thursday, 15 February 2007

a welcome return to nu pugodi

everyones favourite russian haunt in london has just got a whole lot better. well maybe not, but it has some fine additions.

found a few years ago by our esteemed friend doug on a drunken ramble home, it was populated by russian business men and their outrageously dressed girlfriends in sunglasses, awash in a sea of ultra-violet light and pumping easterneuropean techno. nu pogodi was one of the first champions of the amazing crazy frog song, and our first hearing in london of the anthem, from paris to berlin.

it's name taken from a russian cartoon, similar to tom and jerry, only this time a chain smoking wolf hunting a rabbit, pictured above. an amazing cartoon, but enough
about that now, i will kindly open my door to curious visitors bearing champagne and caviar (beluga of course) for a viewing of mydvd of the cartoons.

the bar only got better with the finest eastern block changing rooms makeover seen on this earth. the ceiling covered in fairy lights and mesh, illuminated moody cityscapes and a glowing fluorescent pirate ship only a few of the additions. this was the place to be seen, fine vodkas (seriously cheap and actually fine) crazy beers in huge bottles with triple figure strengths and pink plates of pistachios, and still amazing music.

then it went seriously shit, new owners apparently. it was renamed no parking or A1 or something, all the original decorations stripped, and the exotic beverages gone. becks was apparently the best beer, and also the only one apart from fosters.

however a quick drink on valentines day prior to a failed attempt to eat in the car wash tapas across the road showed that nu pogodi still has hope left in it. still not any exciting drinks (although they now stock balkita) BUT they now have a poster of stalin on the door behind the dj booth and rumour has it the secret room downstairs is now opened on weekends

so cheers to nu pugodi and more improvements in the furture, and more drunken nights when i have no idea what happened for my last few hours in the bar and throwing up in toilets with holes punched into the tiled walls

more details here

and maybe the most exciting addition to NP bar its official video game, almost as good as mike tyson's punch out or yi er kung fu

music for today: to continue the theme of re-discovery or discovery even, today i foundamy winehouse. great looking lady, and as rumour has it, so is her music. from now on i will listen to my friends

rehab? WTF?

so it was revealed yesterday robbie williams consumes somehting like 40 double espressos, 20 red bulls and 60 cigarettes a DAY, even before he gets onto the glamourous pills that only hollywood can get you.

he was even quoted as saying that anyone would need all the sleeping pills he has if they drank as much coffee as he did. rehab? nuh, he deserves a medal, for being able to walk let alone sing and dance with all that stuff in his body.

maybe next time try what they gave judy garland on the set of the wizard of oz, it won't give you such bad breath.

but maybe he has PK

listen to this:
patrick wolf's the magic position

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

the most thrilling thing you will ever see

this is so good hollywood should just give up now

the best things are ginger

time for a change, a good opinion. no post yesterday, that being foul mood tuesday, and i resisted a third negative post in a row.

so many good ginger things, ginger beer, ginger megs, julianne moore, bjork in the i miss you video, stem ginger, root ginger, ground ginger, pickled ginger, preserved ginger, chocolate ginger, ginger ale pick me up spray, canada dry and pringles (the only food that isn't poisonous, ginger snaps, those foxes ginger cream biscuits, maybe the only bad ginger i can think of is ginger coloured clothing.

so without further ado, i give you the best ginger cake recipe ever, and it's a freakin sinch to make (one i prepared earlier is pictured above, thanks again mr nigel slater)

Double ginger cake

250g self-raising flour
2 level tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 level tsp bicarbonate of soda
a pinch of salt
200g golden syrup
2 tbsp syrup from the ginger jar
125g butter
3 lumps of stem ginger in syrup (about 55g)
2 heaped tbsp sultanas
125g dark muscavado sugar
2 large eggs
240ml milk

You will need a square cake tin measuring approximately 20-22cm, lined on the bottom with baking or greaseproof paper.

Set the oven at 180°C/gas mark 3. Sieve the flour with the ginger, cinnamon, bicarbonate of soda and the salt. Put the golden and ginger syrups and the butter into a small saucepan, and warm over a low heat. Dice the ginger finely then add it to the pan with the sultanas and sugar. Let the mixture bubble gently for a minute, giving it the occasional stir to stop the fruit sticking to the bottom.

Break the eggs into a bowl, pour in the milk and beat gently to break up the egg and mix it into the milk. Remove the butter and sugar mixture from the heat and pour into the flour, stirring smoothly and firmly with a large metal spoon. Mix in the milk and eggs. The mixture should be sloppy, with no trace of flour.

Scoop the mixture into the non-stick or lined cake tin and bake for 35-40 minutes, or until a skewer, inserted into the centre of the cake, comes out clean. Unless you are serving it warm, leave the cake in its tin to cool, then tip out on to a sheet of greaseproof paper. Wrap it up again in foil and leave to mature for a day or two before eating.

as a new addition to the blog i will now post some music of the day.
todays selection is:van morrison's astral weeks

Monday, 12 February 2007

don't make a noise when you stir your tea

it sounds awful, it's bad manners and it really puts people off

Sunday, 11 February 2007

avenue Q eat my poo

meet the feebles this is not.
it looks amazing, the set is great, the acting is fine, the puppetry is better than you'd expect. the songs and what they have to go on about is so tame and SO BORING that you would have rather spent the money on a nice spoon to gouge your eyes out with. don't ever see this production EVER.
although it was worth seeing to hear the woman behind me, say to her partner afterwards, "wait til we get home, i've learnt some dirty things tonight"
like what? how to bore him sensless and then stick your finger up his arse?
hooray. what fun. can i have my money back